


looking for something

by carminare



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Study, Fluff, Getting Together, Introspection, bokuto calling akaashi "akashi" for like too long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 09:24:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20703680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminare/pseuds/carminare
Summary: Koutarou was a big believer in new years and the new opportunities they brought, he held onto that belief because second year would bring new people and he had to believe that he might find someone whose hunger would be able to match his, he had to believe because life would’ve been too hard to live otherwise.





	looking for something

Outside of tournaments, practice was Koutarou’s most anticipated time of the day. Classes were boring and lunch was too lonely but practice brought volleyball and soreness and aching hands. Koutarou loved it and he gave it his all. There was no shortcut, he knew, to getting better, to winning, so he practiced and practiced and practiced. He didn’t take it to heart when people ran away from him and decided that his excitement was too much, leaving him making laps or getting in some two hours of extra practice all by himself, because everyone’s passion was their own after all and he knew his passion was a bottomless pit. 

Koutarou didn’t think high school would be any different but he asked still, if they would like to give him some tosses, if they would like to practice their serves and receives some more. A few said yes the first time but left less than an hour later due to exhaustion; unsurprisingly, they stopped saying yes, so Koutarou stopped asking. He _did_ make friends, however, and lunch was fun now that Konoha, Sarukui and Komi were there gossiping and doing dumb things with him, and Washio was his friend, too, even if he didn’t speak much. They’d usually laugh when Koutarou did or said something funny and for the first time he didn’t think people were laughing at him but _with_ him instead. For the first time he didn’t feel completely alone because their passion was so big it almost matched his own, he thought it might’ve also been bottomless, so they all worked hard, they all ran as if their lives were on the line, they all practiced until the floor was wet and their bodies couldn’t handle it anymore. It made his chest tight and his throat dry. He decided he would be the best player he could be for them, too. He decided they would all go to nationals and they would all win because they all wanted this more than anyone else.

He met Kuroo not long after the beginning of his first year. The practice matches between Fukurodani and Nekoma were common, as well as their training camps. Kuroo was smart, really smart, and a really good player and opponent but, most importantly, he was dumb and always up for mischievous business. They clicked immediately and Koutarou was _making friends_, these people actually liked him and it made him want to cry. It made him want to be better and do better and every single time someone complimented him, his chest opened and let out all of the pride he felt. They laughed together and they played together and Koutarou wasn’t lonely anymore.

Except at night when he practiced by himself, when his successful serve went by without cheer or praise, when his misses went by without critique. Kuroo helped sometimes, he practiced a good hour with Koutarou before retiring for the night. Koutarou felt a bit less lonely with Kuroo on his side, with Konoha and Sarukui and Washio and Komi, except for the times when he felt useless, when his spikes weren’t going through and his serves weren’t landing in the right place.

Koutarou was a big believer in new years and the new opportunities they brought, though, and even after being proved wrong multiple times, he held onto it because second year would bring new people and he had to believe that he might find someone whose hunger would be able to match his, he had to believe because life would’ve been too hard to live otherwise. The first years seemed interesting enough when they came into the gym but Koutarou wasn’t looking for interesting, not exactly, he was looking for a partner, for passion and fire.

“I am Akaashi Keiji from Mori middle school.” The smooth and soft voice pulled him out of his thoughts and Koutarou found himself looking at the prettiest boy he had ever seen. “I played setter. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

_Setter_. It couldn’t be a coincidence, could it? Koutarou smiled brightly. For the first time in forever, practice felt too long and his attention was not in the right place. He got yelled at a few times and missed way too many spikes but his mood was far away from dropping because Akashi was on the other side of the net playing against him and he was _good_ and his eyes shone brightly when he touched the ball and when Koutarou got a crazy cross shot, Akashi’s face looked a bit impressed. By the end of practice, he was hastingly doing his chores and half heartedly joking around while he kept an eye on Akashi. When he thought the time was right, he approached him.

“Hey, uhh, Akashi-kun,” he started and Akashi said something but Koutarou’s heart was hammering his ears until he couldn’t hear anything but the incessant pounding. He played with his hands and willed himself to ask. “Could you please help me practice spikes for just a little bit?”

Akashi stayed there for a second just looking at him and Koutarou felt the sweat roll down his spine because Akashi’s eyes were intense before giving him a simple, “Sure.”

Koutarou had to hold himself from cheering out loud. They practiced for hours and it took them a bit to sync up, the ball too high or too low, but once they did it, Koutarou felt like crying. The ball touched the setter’s fingers for just a second and then it was in front of him, in the perfect spot. His skin prickled and his chest ached, so he kept asking for one more, just one more, because he needed it. They kept going and going and Akashi looked exhausted but his tosses stayed just as perfect.

After who knows how many spikes, Koutarou walked excitedly towards Akashi who was heaving and sweating like crazy and exclaimed, “Akashi! Your tosses are the best!”

And he meant it. He didn’t think he had ever spiked anything so comfortably. Akashi’s face was blank when he answered, “Ah, sure.”

Koutarou pouted but something in his chest unsettled. It felt warm and safe and new and it crumbled a bit at the thought of Akashi deciding that this extra practice was too much. He went home and the only thing he could think of was if he should’ve gone easier, if maybe they should’ve trained an hour or less, if he should’ve pretended he was tired and left before it became too much. His mom always said you should be yourself and Koutarou followed that advice every single day but he liked Akashi, he wanted him to set to him again.

The night barely brought any relief and he dreaded the next day because he was going to ask again, he knew there wasn’t a chance he could leave the matter alone. So, when afternoon practice was coming to an end, he approached Akashi slowly, nervously.

“Hey, Akashi!” he said with a confidence he didn’t feel. “Do you want to practice spikes again tonight?”

Akashi studied him for a bit and sighed. Koutarou felt his heart break a little and he was about to say it was okay when Akashi spoke.

“Bokuto-san, I’ve been trying to tell you this but somehow it never sticks.” Koutarou stared intently, waiting for a rejection that never came. “My name is not Ak_a_shi but Ak_aa_shi and yes, we can practice today as well.”

Koutarou opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out and then he laughed, his chest felt light again and he felt like crying. Loudly and still laughing he said, stressing the _a_ just a bit too much, “Sorry, Akaashi!”

Akaashi rolled his eyes but a tiny smile crossed his lips and Koutarou felt his stomach drop to the floor. It surprised him once more just how pretty Akaashi was. He had cute chubby cheeks and his eyes were droopy and elegant, the soft curls of his hair gave him a disheveled look but in a calculated type of way and his cold demeanor marked him mysterious and intriguing. Koutarou was enthralled by his ethereal beauty.

They kept practicing every night, two, three, sometimes even four hours, until their limbs were too heavy and they had to clean the floor too often because the sweat wouldn’t stop. They changed together and went home together and had lunch together and Koutarou absorbed every second next to Akaashi like a thirsty man who knows he’ll run out of water soon. He kept waiting for the moment in which he had to do extra practice by himself again but the moment never came. Akaashi stayed every night and offered critique and praise and Koutarou bathed in the attention.

During training camps they both practiced with Kuroo and Koutarou felt too lucky, so much so he was unable to sleep sometimes, haunted by the thought of it all being a very elaborate prank, by the thought of it all ending suddenly, of them hating him in secret and being too nice to reject him. On those nights, he’d sit outside on the grass, looking at the stars and tried to think logically. Kuroo played pranks all the time but they were never cruel. Akaashi was cunning and honest and would have no problem saying no if he didn’t feel like practicing. It made more sense for them to be honest than not but the feeling stayed and it made him feel guilty. It made the next morning difficult for him and everyone else around him because he couldn’t concentrate, because he wasn’t at his best and they’d lose matches and he’d disappoint the team. 

Akaashi tried to help, he always did, and sometimes it was enough for Koutarou to feel lighter, to lift his head up and out of the gloom, and sometimes he pretended it was enough, he smiled and played as best he could and then stayed up at night again, looking at the stars and hating himself for every little mistake he had made up to that point. It was during one of those nights that Akaashi found him. He was in his third year and nationals were close and Koutarou wasn’t feeling good enough.

“Hey,” Akaashi said emerging from the shadows in the building. As he got closer, Koutarou took one second to look at him and then turned his gaze back to the stars. Akaashi sat down next to him and continued, “Bad night again?”

Koutarou looked at him a bit surprised. “Again?”

“You really think I don’t notice you getting up? We sleep next to each other, Bokuto-san, and you’re not a quiet man.”

Koutarou smiled despite himself. Of course Akaashi knew.

“What’s troubling you?” Akaashi asked but Koutarou just shrugged and guided his eyes towards the stars once more. Akaashi sighed. “Is it okay if I tell you what’s bothering me, then?”

Curiosity took the best of him and he looked at Akaashi’s beautiful face and nodded eagerly. Maybe he could help, maybe he could give something back to Akaashi for all of the things he had done for him. So he listened intently, which was easy because Akaashi’s voice was soft and melodic and probably the most beautiful sound Koutarou had ever heard.

“Well,” Akaashi started, “nationals are coming and of course I’m nervous and worried but I think our team is strong, so the worry fades fairly quickly but when nationals are over… I guess I just wonder if I’ll be able to lead this team like you have.”

Akaashi had been fidgeting with his fingers the entire time and his eyes had been stuck to the grass for most of it. It was weird to see him so nervous, he was always so calm and collected and Koutarou took a moment to come up with a good answer. Akaashi was worried he wasn’t going to live up to Koutarou’s standards. That alone made him laugh. Akaashi finally took a look at him to give him a cold glare.

“Sorry, sorry! I’m not laughing at you!” he apologized between laughs. “It’s just a bit funny that you think I’m more competent than you at like anything.”

“But you are,” Akaashi said, very serious. “You are the heart of this team, Bokuto-san, you move us, you make us better, you make us _want_ to be better. How am I supposed to compete with that?”

Koutarou smiled and felt his heart grow just a bit warm at Akaashi’s honest words. It was always surprising that someone like him could admire someone like Koutarou. It made no sense.

“You don’t have to,” he answered. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I have let the team down many times. I know my mood swings get the best of me sometimes, I know I’m not as reliable as you all are, but the reason we are the team we are, the reason we are able to go to nationals, is not only because of me. You’ve led with me up to this point, Akaashi, you’ve led this team and the team might be different once us third years are gone, but that’s not going to change.”

Akaashi’s controlled facade fell right then, his face suddenly vulnerable, and Koutarou was amazed by the fact that there was so much he didn’t know about Akaashi yet. It was not a surprise, however, how much he wanted to keep learning new stuff about him. Akaashi’s soft smile sat on his lips for a few seconds and his eyes were shiny and Koutarou worried he might cry but Akaashi just looked up at the stars.

“I wish we could stay the same team,” Akaashi murmured and Koutarou only heard it because of how quiet everything was.

He thought about his team, so strong and passionate, he thought about Konoha’s shit eating grin and Sarukui’s hunched figure and Washio’s quiet reassurance and Komi’s enthusiasm and Onaga’s wonder. He thought about Akaashi, always so smart and kind and honest. It was a good team, the best team. Akaahi’s eyes were still on the sky above and even in the darkness, with his vulnerable face illuminated only by the celestial bodies, he looked like the most beautiful thing Koutarou had ever seen.

“Akaashi,” Koutarou said softly and felt his chest tighten when Akaashi’s eyes fell on his face. “If we win nationals, will you go out with me?”

Akaashi’s smile was open and honest when he said, “_When_, Bokuto-san, _when_ we win nationals. And yes, I would like that.”

They went to sleep soon after that and if their hands slid into each other, if Koutarou’s heart felt like crawling up his throat, if they shared soft words and even softer touches in the dark laying together, if he was able to actually sleep for the first time in days, no one but them had to know.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday to the best of boys!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Come scream with me on twitter @keijiis!


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